The barbecue and other hazardous summer pursuits


WHEN SUMMER arrives in Alqueria life goes through a fundamental change.

Living becomes easier, the Remitroot crop ripens in the fields, all girls suddenly become pretty and desirable, birds sing and the trees’ blossom undergoes its miraculous transition into succulent fruit.

But as with all things in life there’s always a foil, something to bring one back down to earth with a bump.

Perhaps nothing can strike fear and dread into the heart than the simple line “We’re having a BBQ at the weekend”.

A BBQ, Alquerian style is not for the sensitive, faint hearted or those who hold life and limb dear. It would be worth while to describe such an event.

The venue is important and an area containing long grass is preferred in which snakes, ticks and mine shafts can be hidden from view. This ploy should guarantee the loss of some of the more adventurous guests thus freeing up more Remitroot wine and beer for the remaining guests.

Chairs and tables should be placed on uneven ground or better still on soft ground. It’s good sport to watch some unfortunate slowly sinking into the disgusting Alquerian mud.

But food is the essential part of any BBQ and the Alquerian variety is no exception. Cooking should be performed on a grill which has been exposed to the elements and hopeful carnivores throughout the winter. Grilled Alquerian Newt just isn’t the same without the congealed saliva of some feral cat being thermally bonded into the meat.

The cooking method is an art-form.

The outside should be incinerated and the centre raw. Preferably cook from frozen so the core still retains some ice which wonderfully complements the fierce heat of the cindered exterior.

For the more advanced chefs the technique of actually setting light the food is a wonderful spectacle and will liven any gathering. Ex-US Army Napalm is excellent to achieve this and can be bought at Potty Paca’s Heath-food Tienda in the Calle Horno, show this article for a 20% discount.

Food may be the essential but the soul of any BBQ is the guests. Here the host can reach new heights in entertainment. Its important to ‘balance’ the guests. If you know a timid underachiever who faints after two beers, then pair him with the village ‘soak’.

This happened to Alonso Noboozo who, after being paired with Pedro Mudgutso became a raving alcoholic, it was the making of him and he never looked back. Try mixing political affiliations, the religiously pious with existentialists the possibilities are endless. But remember be creative.